Posts tagged episode

Another episode today. I feel so exhausted. My face is swollen, my heart is pounding and my hands are shaking - the usual symptoms of a post-binge purge session. I was so tired the whole day because I went out last night. I only had several hours of sleep. Maybe 3 or 4. I can’t go without an average of 7.5 hours. I took a nap around 3 and woke up at 4. I had this urge to eat and I stormed the kitchen. I even raided our helper’s ref and pantry. I found cake and chocolate candy bars, saltine crackers and caramel sauce. Peanut butter, too. Where the hell did that come from? A secret stash of leftovers from weeks or months ago. We don’t buy that for the family. We stopped buying that years ago. I purged until my throat stung and burned with stomach acid. 

I was thinking too much about what I’d eaten, and if I should have eaten or should not have eaten. Too many thoughts bouncing around in my head preventing me from really connecting my self and my body.

Breathe.

I usually shy away from talking about episodes. Mostly I try to forget about it and pretend that it didn’t happen. However I think that it’s about time I talk about each and every episode, not to pose as a trigger, but rather to be able to assess why I did it. It’s what my psychiatrist and I do whenever we have a session. We go back to my episodes and discuss each one. We try to determine the events surrounding the BP, and pinpoint the triggers.

Today was definitely emotionally charged and stressful for me. This morning I found out that J was bulimic. I felt so completely saddened and lost. I didn’t know what to do. I broke down right in the middle of the gym, in front of my trainer and everyone else who was working out. I literally sobbed because I felt so overwhelmed. After my gym, I went to school to finally file my LOA. That was also a sad experience for me because it was an ending. Soon it would be official that I would be out of school, out of the scene, out of the loop. 

Bulimic J was definitely today’s trigger.

Other J (from school) noticed I wasn’t my usual perky energetic self. There were times when everyone would be talking and having a laugh, and I would space out. He kept asking me if I was OK, rubbing my back and putting his arm around me. He was even sweet enough to cheer me up by treating me to my favorite chocolate frozen yogurt. I felt better for a while, and when I went home I was OK. I was still affected by J, though. I wasn’t completely miserable that I was having anxiety attacks left and right, or sobbing until my eyes fell out. I felt more of a consistent heaviness and sadness; the kind of sadness that weighs you down until you can’t get up anymore. I was stuck in that ditch, and I couldn’t pull myself out.

I thought about him bulimic J all day. I don’t know if it had anything to do with my binge and purge but before my episode, I chatted with him online and asked him a few questions. I felt lost talking to him because I didn’t want to say the wrong things that might trigger him, or make him feel like I was belittling what he had. What bothered me the most is that he took it so lightly, like it was nothing. He even said so! “It’s nothing. It’s not a major illness. I can handle it.” I suppose it affected me so much because he sounded so much like me. 

I came to a realization after washing up in the shower. Some of you might think the realization came too late, but I’m glad it came anyway. I’m not saying it’s the quick fix to recovery, since realistically things don’t change overnight, but it will definitely be on my mind the next time I feel a binge and purge coming. I realized that although I binge and purge to help me deal with emotions and stress, the reality is that it’s only a temporary escape. After the purge, whatever feeling you were trying to stifle and stuff down with food will return. After the purge, not only will you feel the physical exhaustion, but the emotional and mental pain. Running away from discomfort and pain won’t fix things for me. It won’t make life’s problems go away. I realized that unless I confront my feelings and emotions head on, I’ll never get better.