So this is just a snippet of what I’ve been up to since I’ve been gone from Tumblr. I sent a message to my currently former best friend (she’s disowned me, what can I say?) as a way to make amends and hopefully soothe the heartache I caused her.

Dearest N,

This weekend is the first weekend I’ve spent at home or with my family. It’s quite a change from chaos of last week, but it’s definitely a good change. It’s a consolation I don’t deserve, but need. I can’t say how much I missed quiet, peaceful weekends. I’ve been out of touch with my friends because frankly, at this point, I don’t have anyone to talk to who’ll understand, except my family. I’m hanging onto all my friends by a thread, and I know I’ve lost you for now. The time I’ve had to myself has forced me to really contemplate my life and everything that’s happened. You were right, you know. I did change, and I don’t like who I’ve become. I became the girl we loved to hate and bash on. The girl in the club, taking swigs of champagne and shamelessly flirting and putting herself out for all the world to see. The girl who puts her friends at risk. The girl who disregards her parents authority. The girl who is selfish, spoiled and bratty, a blantant “fuck you” to anyone who’s ever cared and loved her. That’s not who I am, but it’s who I’ve become.

The worst part about this whole situation is that I’ve hurt so many people, and ruined so many relationships before I realized what was happening. I have so many wonderful people in my life who love and support and care for me. I’ve been too selfish and consumed in my own misery and self-gratification to see it. After everything I’ve done, I don’t deserve any of these people. However, I am proactively pursuing becoming the girl who deserves to have these wonderful people in her life. It’s back to being centered and grounded, with good moral foundations. It’s back to being the girl with a good head on her shoulders, and who actually uses that head. It’s back to being the girl with self-respect, respect for others, integrity and dignity. It’s back to being the girl who was once worthy of all of you.

 I was raised with the belief that nothing and no one in this world is worth having unless you’ve worked hard and paid your dues. I know it’s going to take a lifetime for you to forgive me, but I’m willing to go through the painstaking, tedious task of earning your trust, love and friendship back. I’m making the change, one problem at a time, step by step. It’s going to be slow, but sure and in the right direction.

I love you N. Always and forever.

S

P.S. I killed H. She’s not good for me anymore. I’m back to being me - S. And you and I both know S was a great girl.

She hasn’t replied. I don’t think she will for a while. But I’ll just be here working hard and paying my dues, waiting around for grace.