I haven’t been around much lately. I stopped going to this tumblr because it was centered on bulimia, and it’s bad enough that I think about it too much. I thought it would help and it did, because I had an outlet where I could pour my heart out - all my victories, triumphs, aches and pains. Except things started taking a turn for the worse and I couldn’t write about it anymore. It was all too painful to recollect. (These days I haven’t been doing so well in terms of that department. My depression is getting worse and so are my episodes.)

 What I know I need is a distraction from the voices and thoughts bouncing around in my head. It’s not so much repression, because we all know repressing any kind of emotion isn’t good. It’s rather learning to deal with these voices by talking back to them. I need a new voice, a positive voice, one that will reinforce all the goodness in the world. I need that voice to drown out all the other voices when they threaten to speak up. These days there are so many bad things going on in the world, or in our heads, that I want to part of the movement that outshines that. I want to be part of the movement that speaks about the resilience of the human spirit, compassion, kindness, courage and bravery. I want people to come to this tumblr and walk away with the strength to be exactly who they are and to be OK with that. 

I’ve had a good run with this tumblr. I’ve met so many wonderful people. To all my followers and to those I followed, you’ve all been an inspiration to me. At one point or another your posts have empowered and encouraged me to keep going. To keep fighting the good fight. It’s my turn now to pay it forward.

So since this is a gratitude post, I am grateful to those who followed my blog and to those I followed. I am grateful for all the hearts that touched mine, and all the hearts I touched. You’ve all been an inspiration to me. At one point or another your posts have empowered and encouraged me to keep going, to get up and keep fighting the good fight. It’s my turn now to pay it forward. I love you all dearly.

I hope you all follow me and spread the word about my new tumblr thegratitudeattitude.tumblr.com

All my love,

S

The other day my parents and I revisited Cafe Gratitude. Every day they have a “Question of the Day”. On the day we visited, the question was, “What is most extraordinary about you?” My father said, “Well I smile a lot!” and indeed, a winning smile was plastered to his face. A few days after, I contemplated the question and came with an answer: “What is extraordinary about me is that despite all the suffering I’ve seen or heard about, despite my own suffering and inner turmoil, I have not allowed myself to be hardened by those ill feelings and experiences but rather, softened by great love and compassion for all human beings.”

Their tagline is also, “What are you grateful for?” They have merchandise and every plate they have has the words printed on them. I said this once and I’ll say it again, I believe people live unfulfilled because they fail to appreciate or be grateful for all the things around them. Sometimes, when I am consumed by my own grief or depression, I can be one of those people. I fight that by trying to be grateful for something, even if it’s just a little thing. This morning I was grateful for the morning sun. Mornings are my favorite time of day, especially 4AM. I can relax, quietly reflect or be peaceful best at 4AM. Perhaps that is why people choose that time to meditate. I think it is because at 4AM the world, or where I am from at least, is in its most quiet and tranquil state. It’s a seemingly perfect time because it is right between yesterday and today; the weariness of ‘yesterday’ is washed away by the purity of 4AM, and you don’t even yet have to think about ‘tomorrow’. It’s the clean slate between yesterday and today; the here and now of time. So I am grateful for mornings and the morning sun; the smell of coffee or breakfast. I am grateful for good morning hugs, kisses and cuddles. I am especially grateful for that little space in time where I feel as if I and the whole world is harmonized in peace.

There is so much that we can be grateful for if we take the time to look beyond ourselves and instead, inside ourselves and out to the world.

What are you grateful for?

I’m grateful for the morning sun, because it’s radiance and warmth reminds me that I am alive and human.

I don’t need to be told to ‘be strong’. I don’t need inspirational quotes or influential speeches. Sometimes I just need to be told that everything will be OK. That, in itself, is enough.

Last night one of my best girlfriend’s told me that she had an ED. She didn’t say it outright. We were discussing tattoos and she asked me what mine meant. I said it was a recovery symbol for an ED, and she said, “Ohhh, really? I have too.” It didn’t really come as a shock to me. I wrote about her once in a post, but we weren’t that close at the time. She was the one I bumped into in the bathroom, where I saw the toilet swallow the last few remnants of regurgitated food, where the cubicle reeked of the unmistakable odor of vomit. I told her that I’d always known, and that I just didn’t know how to approach her, or if I should; who knows, she could have a stomach disorder or just happen to vomit because she was pregnant or something. I didn’t know at the time, but now I do.

I never thought I’d end up talking to her about her problem, or even my problem, but I’m glad she opened up to me.  She told me a bit about herself and I told her a lot about myself. I didn’t censor my stories or sugar coat them to make them sound better. I gave her the cold, hard and cruel facts because truthfully, nothing about this disease is pretty. She seemed a bit hesitant and doubtful of herself but that’s normal; even if she wants to get better, she can’t let go of the weight thing. 

I told her that what I learned from my psych is that people like us are control freaks. We thrive on perfectionism and control. Whenever something chaotic happens, something out of our control, we freak out and we try to exert that sense of control on our weight, on ourselves. Whenever something bad happens to us it translates into us being fat, and therefore undisciplined, invaluable, undeserving, worthless. She needs to learn that she is more than her bodily composition of skin, bones, muscle, organs and adipose tissue. With help, in time, she’ll realize that and believe it.

The fact that she is willing to tell me about her issue means that somewhere deep inside of her is that little spurt of yearning and desire to get better. It might not be a full-blown, relentless need for recovery, but it’s there. Flowers just don’t pop out of nowhere, you know? I gave her the office and contact number of my psychiatrist. I told her that whenever she’s ready to see someone, my psychiatrist will be open to her. She thanked me but said that for the time being she’ll see if she can handle it on her own first. I have my doubts about that. I’ve heard that so many times before, not just from myself but other people in the blogosphere. Do I doubt her? No. She’s strong. But sometimes the disease is stronger.

Hopefully in time she realizes that she needs help, and when she does, she takes the necessary steps to embark on her path of recovery. Until then all my hope, faith, love and prayers are with her.

I’m grateful for the Internet, because even if I am thousands of miles away my love and I still find some way to be together.

I’m in San Francisco right now for vacation. Mum and I came over from the Philippines. My brother is following sometime in May. We all came over to spend time with my sister, who’s leaving to join the Marines. I can’t remember the last time we were all here under this roof we call home. It must have been what, 11 years ago? And now 11 years after moving to the Philippines, we’re all back. We’re all grown up now, but being back here makes us all feel like kids again. The happiest years of our childhood was spent here in this house, in this town.

I’m grateful for this house, the memories and my family.

I finished re-reading a book the other day called “Feed Me!: Writers Dish About Food, Eating, Weight and Body Image.” I picked this book up years ago and decided to read it again. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of why you’re doing what you’re doing. What I love about the stories in the book, which are all written honestly from the heart, is that they are completely relatable. You’ll laugh with them, cry with them, feel their pain and share their victory.

At the beginning of the book, there is an “I-Love-My-Body Pledge.” The author encourages the reader to print out a copy of this and post it where it can be seen - may it be on your bedside table, vanity mirror or refrigerator door - as a constant reminder of why we’re all fighting the good fight.

I encourage everyone to pick the book and read it, not just once, or twice, but as often as you can. It’s a good read and offers a lot of lessons and insight.

The I-Love-My-Body Pledge

• I pledge to speak kindly about my body.
• I promise not to talk about the size of my thighs or stomach or butt, or how I have to lose 5 or 15 or 50 pounds. I promise not to call myself fat, pig, gross or any other self-loathing, trash-talking phrase.
• I vow to be kind to myself and my body. I will learn to be grateful for its strength and attractiveness, and be compassionate towards its failings.
• I will remind myself that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and that no matter what shape and size my body is, it’s worthy of kindness, compassion and love.